SO, I was sitting here today thinking about how I haven’t accomplished ANYTHING with ANYTHING in pretty much the last 4 months , and I was trying to figure out what the problem is. I asked myself some questions….
Is it my kids?? (they are both back home with me from living in Michigan with their father off and on…now they are back and it’s been quite busy and hectic), but I think the answer is “not really, I guess”.
Is it the puppy we got that is now a year old?? (I dunnnnooo. I mean he does require aLOTof care and he can be pretty annoying when he’s in his cage with all the barking and whining (which is not good for recording music without a soundproof room at my house—not to mention it just gets on my nerves and then I’m just not in the mood anymore), and then of course there’s getting after the kids now so that in ADDITION to taking care of their stuff, also to take care of the dog….shaking my head (what was I thinking?)). But truthfully, I don’t know that it’s really that either.
Hmmmmm, is it the physical therapy I’m going through right now and have to continue for another 3 weeks?? (somebody backed into me and then on top of that they drove off, thankfully I got their license plate and was able to hold them responsible, but I’m still paying the price physically, AND not to mention the time it takes to go to work, go to physical therapy—across town, come back, finish the day, go see the attorney, rearrange my work schedule, etc etc…very, very mind boggling in addition to my already hectic life). I don’t know, it could be that—
OR maybe it’s the medicine I’m taking right now to clear up my skin?? (I’m on a six month program for a medicine to clear some adult acne that has been aggravating me for years, and the medicine putting it simply just WEARS YOU OUT…I mean it makes you feel (and by you, I mean ‘me’), completed exhausted. Really, that could be it (....drumming my fingers on the table),
Maybe….sigh…it’s my failed relationships. I find myself not any further along in life with a special someone now than I was 15 years ago (when I first got married) or 25 years ago when I was first being courted…somehow I'm always feeling like I’m constantly back at the beginning with that whole 'running into the right person, falling in love, and getting married thing' --(what can I say, maybe being married and happy just isn’t for me after all)…..it could be that thought that is UNmotivating me, but I don’t know….I’m not sure how much that is impacting me not feeling like sitting down and getting things accomplished…..
Maybe it’s the exercise that I kept saying I was going to do that I have NOT been doing because I just didn’t feel like it, and now my back hurts when I try to do it because of the accident.
Maybe it’s because my tennis pro died and now playing tennis (which was my main source of exercise AND mental freedom)…. just doesn’t feel the same anymore.
Maybe it’s the stock market. (I’ve been making money and losing money, making money and losing money….maybe I’m tired of the game. Maybe I just want to make money now and stop losing money—Ha! –don’t we all)…I don’t know if that’s it.
Maybe I’m stuck in a rut….. because my Grandmother died -------sigh)
The truth is these are still only a few things that have gone on or that are going on that I’m listing here….goodness, there’s actually waaaaay MORE (if you could even believe it)
…. But, still I think, maybe it’s something else-- (OR maybe it’s just ALL of them).
I can’t put my finger on it. I think it’s something with me, you know, deep down inside….something’s going on….an unsettledness, a need for a change, for LIFE to just be DIFFERENT somehow.
I think this is why people just sell everything and just move to another country, y’know?
I think this is why some people just quit their job and just decide to devote themselves completely to something they just LOVE to do, just because that’s what they WANT to do. I don’t know folks.
I’m at a crossroads.
I have music that needs to be finished; books that need to be completed; weight that I want to lose; house remodeling that needs to be completed; kids to get through school; taxes that still need to be done. LOL I’m telling myself---
“One thing at a time”…..but one thing hasn’t gotten done yet---not recently anyway.
I’ve got to sit down and change my mindset—Re"focus". Something’s got to change.
I think actually, the change has got to be.....
‘Me’.
