I feel crazy this morning—I’m tired of doing the same thing, tired of doing the new thing, tired of doing "no"thing--just tired. I feel like my feet are moving, but I’m just not going anywhere. Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever feel like you’re in one of those music videos and it’s the scene where they show the person walking and walking, but they are staying in the same place, just singing their stupid little song. I feel like that---It’s just a music video, but it’s how I definitely feel like that right now. I’ve been feeling this way for a long time, and I think it’s starting to take over me. It’s has become the dominant feeling. I don’t know if I’m bored or lonely or just unimpressed or just….I don’t even know. The man I thought I was going to marry for the last several years doesn’t want to get married. Heck, I don't even know if I want to get married anymore either. We’ve been in an up and down relationship for almost five years—yeah, it’s getting old, AND it hasn’t even been easy--NOT a walk in the park. So, why did you stay in it, you ask? Of course you ask me that. I ask my damn self that. Honestly, I’m not really unhappy in the relationship---not really happy either. I just don't know what I am. I’m not even sure if I’m just numb. I don’t know. I just keep saying that a lot---I don’t know. A lot of men are interested in me, and they may or may not be able to give me what I think I’m looking for. But, you know I just feel stuck, not really stuck in the relationship, but just stuck—IN LIFE. I’m not venting or even really angry or anything. I’m just talking; I’m just talking about life.
It’s taking a lot out of me to raise my son on my own. My daughter is with her father, and although I would love for her to come here and be with me, I’m not sure how much more I can really handle. I miss her a lot, with her being away from me, it’s like some huge, gaping hole, and I don’t know what to do about it. Her room is empty and I don’t like to really go in there, because she’s not in the house or even nearby. She’s eight hours away. I had a huge plan for her to go to boarding school this year (which is only two hours away), she would have had a nice little job, live on the campus, take her music lessons, walk to class, participate in the great activities they have, and I just thought it would be just so great for her. I invested a lot of money too flying her to the academy days, so she could check out two schools last year, made a lot of arrangements, so that after the summer, she would be ready to go. But, she decided at the last minute during the summer not to do it--decided to go back and live with her father--great (sigh). So, now I just kind of feel like, “dag, I make all these plans, I try to make all these arrangements...I think I know what’s best for me, I think I know what's best for the people around me, but you know, honestly, maybe I just don’t. Maybe, I just need to sit down and shut up. Maybe I just need to go somewhere and let everybody else just do what they think is best.” I’m not really giving up or anything, I’m just saying, I want to clear my mind and so far that hasn’t been happening. What I’m really focusing on here is that I just think maybe I should rethink my approach to life.
I got this puppy for my son. I thought it would inspire him to want to be more responsible, listen better, obey more--be more structured. I thought he would get up earlier without my help. I thought the puppy would give him the desire to want to get outside in the mornings and walk, learn how to wake up without me waking him up. I thought it would give him more "pep in his step" on doing things he needed to…just from having the puppy he always wanted. How naïve of me huh? Well, correct, instead it is really turning out to be just a huge hassle, a huge stress for me to have the puppy in the house. I have to stay after my son constantly about the puppy’s needs. The house is a lot dirtier because of the puppy being there (geez, I thought we were cleaning before, now it's like overdrive cleaning--constant cleaning), and honestly there’s just nowhere for the puppy to really be but in the cage that I finally had to buy, although I really don’t even like that. I don’t even like keeping a puppy in a cage, but on the other hand, I can’t just have the puppy running around all evening, peeing and pooping everywhere and me stepping in pee or smelling poop out of the blue when he just goes in the house because we can’t always figure out exactly when he needs to go out. It has been really stressful trying to get my son to even be remotely consistent with the puppy...so, that's just been a chore. It’s just a lot more of the stress and headache that I already had—multiplied. So, unfortunately, it’s just easier to keep him in the cage until we can deal with him. I don’t know if that’s terrible or not or if it’s just life.
I’m really tired of living in my house and working at the same job. I mean it’s always great to have a job, but after a while you just get sick of it when you’re not really doing anything you consider to be productive with your skills. Sure, draw a paycheck, make someone else happy, do what they think is great. But, am I happy? No. What can I do? What can I say? Nothing. I feel unfulfilled. I’m 43 and I’m feeling like that crazy way when people feel like they need to just “do something”. Is it because of my age? I dunno. I don’t think so. I really never was one to settle down, never was one to really just do the same thing over and over and over. My mother, my grandmother, my aunt and generally my whole family, couldn't even believe I got married in the first place. They were shocked. So, you ask “why then did you pick this life in the first place?” Why did you interrupt your 20’s of hanging out and having fun, making music, traveling, etc etc to get married, tie yourself down, have kids…..get divorced, buy a house, tie yourself down some more, have your son come and live with you…blah, blah, blah. Ahhh, I don’t know. It seemed like what I wanted at the time.
There’s so much on my mind all of the time….I mean all of the time. Sometimes, I just feel like I need to get it out, get it out in the open, out of my head---stop thinking about it. I love my children, I’m not unhappy that I have them, but they’re tiring and I don’t have a husband, so it’s a real chore. That’s life, it is a real chore. So, you say, having a husband is a real chore. Sure, you’re right, but I always liked it. What can I say, I like being married. I can’t help but be honest about that. I keep envisioning myself like the people on House Hunters International on HGTV, that happy married couple, with their one or two small children, deciding together that they want to go live somewhere overseas—moving to some nice, tropical island (or at least buying a second vacation home there)…planning, planning, planning there lives together, doing things together, working together….together. On top of that, I still want to have another child. I hear you screaming “What?!” “Are you crazy?!” “What about the ones you have?” Geez, not by myself silly—with a husband, that’s the way it’s supposed to be, so you can enjoy your children together. I never wanted to get divorced, but those were the cards, that’s the hand I was dealt. But, being together in a proper marriage, that’s what I think about a lot, not just dating someone endlessly, but just being married, happy, together.
People don’t want that anymore. They want to live apart, live in their own houses—call their own shots. They want to be able to say “I’m going home, I’ll see you tomorrow or I’ll talk to you in the morning”. A lot of people want that freedom to know they can always leave. I guess that’s just the way things are these days. I guess that’s just life. I don’t know what I think about it. I know I don’t like it. It’s not what I want. Honestly, I don’t even want to talk about it to anybody anymore because nobody has the right response. They just say something I don’t really want to hear—their own perspective, what they’ve been through, what they’ve decided. What they think about marriage and relationships…poo, poo, whatever…I guess I’m in a place where I just don’t want to hear it.
I’m a singer/songwriter and a writer. But, what am I doing with my talent? I make music, but it takes me forever because I’m always distracted with this thing or that thing. It takes aLOT of work to get it out to people and to advertise it when you're unsigned like me and then it takes forEVER for people to start buying it, and your friends that you think are going to buy your music, ...don't even buy it, so you just feel disappointed. I sometimes don’t write for weeks—months…but, honestly, it makes me feel useless when I don’t practice my craft. My head starts to hurt, my body feels tired, like someone is just pushing me down with a heavy iron weight. I feel like I need freedom, some space, and some time to just think.
What is it I’m looking for? I don’t know. A quiet space--a loving place, a new me—so, that I can write, be content, exercise every day--not be annoyed by noisy demands. I need to be where I can just be creative, really throw myself into making new and exciting music and actually completing it (that's another problem). I want to be able to really immerse myself into my software program, FinalCut, and really finish working on my videos, so I can turn out some new and innovative wonderful material for my fans. I mean I’m using it, but there’s so much more that I need to be doing with it, and it just takes time. The funny thing is, other people are doing it. I see them everyday on TV, on those crazy reality shows. People are doing things, creative, productive things. People like me who have the artistic mind. People who have a lot of genius (and some of them don’t even have it, but they’re still doing it…I’m like “dag”…”they not even talented and look at them”). I keep thinking to myself, “you are just wasting your God-given talents.” –do something about it.
You know what was really bad? I have a few blogs, but I actually hadn’t written in so long, when I was getting ready to post this, for a second, I forgot the name of my own freakin’ blog…now, you know --that’s bad.
Anyway, I keep thinking I’m ready now to make that move on my own. Get myself on to some desert isle and call it home. “But, but--you have kids”, you say. So—geez, "So what?!". That’s how I feel right now. So what. They’ll be fine. They can come with me or stay here. I don’t even really care. Kids can go to school anywhere. I’m just ready to do something. What am I going to do just sit around forever feeling this way? Nope. I keep having this nice thought in my head about how it will feel to just be peaceful, get that feeling of productivity and accomplishment back. I haven’t felt that way in a very long time. I think sometimes you just have to say, you know what I’m done. I’m gonna do something else now.
There was a guy that I used to date a really long time ago. He knew me really well. He would say to me, “Well, if I know you--and I do--since you’re talking about it so much, I guess now it’s really only a matter of time before you do it, huh?”
Yep.
